What would Clement do?

A Labour blog that witters on about Clement Attlee. Hurrah for The Major!

Archive for the tag “Humour”

…NEWS FROM SOMEWHERE…

By: Our Staff Liar –

In a shock outburst this week, a fictitious source close to Nick Clegg announced that he was “unavailable” for comment, for discussion, or indeed for anything other than helping Samantha Cameron around the house.

Sources close to the Prime Monster’s other partner mentioned “doing the ironing, cleaning the bathroom, oh, and we need more Hobnobs.” as a fair summation of Mr Cleggs’ enhanced role.

Meanwhile, fibbers close to Danny Alexander, the Scottish Annoyance at The Treasury declared  him to be “pleased” on being declared “More annoying than Alex Salmond” by a leading made-up focus group…*

In other party of my imagination, Chris Huhne has been spotted doing a merry jig to the demise of Silvio Berlusconi. This long awaited retirement places the dull Huhne at last in the top ten of Western Europes’ leading political philanderers, ahead of that bearded LibDem who likes Eastern European assistants for their brains. ” For years everyone thought I was the dull one” said Huhne, “Well now I’m the dull one who left his wife by text.”

* One source from the group was quoted – “Its not that he’s Scottish, or that he’s ginger, its because he is Danny Alexander – he just stands there, two feet behind George Osborne with a slight smirk on his pasty face.” Said the anonymous Mr Kennedy.

 

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Just so you know…

To all those out there in the Blogosphere who may be upset or offended by what I post, GOOD.

It is your fundamental right to be offended! Enjoy it! Use the heat generated by your ire to make a cup of tea, then sit down and reflect upon the term “Free Speech”.

I witness what looks like a concerted smear campaign by pro Boris Johnson bloggers a post on it. They are offended (ooh!). ” Nobody tells us what to do!” They cry, “we always check our sources and provide links – as Boris sets us very high standards”.

Err, so you are completely independent, yet Boris tells you how to run your blogs??? Did I get that right??? Shome mishtake, shurely…

For those with no life whatsoever, I recommend you click on the link to Labour Uncut to witness the whole sorry affair, veiled threats and all…

Is this the internets’ first case of “Cyberboris Bullying”???

Oh, and Boris smells. No offence eh?

A REASONABLE DISCUSSION ABAHT…

I think someone should do something about all the Foreign stuff in The British Museum. I say we write to Jeremy Clarkson or Richard Littlejohn. Its Political Correctness Gone Mad. Where are the BRITISH Marbles I’d like to know…

Better still, lets call EDF

Sorry, EDL – easy mistake…

The REAL Sky Sports Scandal…

…would be Andy Gray being paid nearly TWO MILLION F**??@*G POUNDS A YEAR!!!!!

Seriously, the guy is hardly useful is he? And shaved monkeys could present sports coverage (Rugby excepted). The ideal punishment would be to make Rupert keep him on, and pay everyone this salary – that would bugger up his BSkyB bid…

Now, lets see HIS tax return, please…

From personal experience in the Hotel trade, I can say that those who work for the media in general, and News International in particular, at whatever level, can be arrogant, parsimonious and overbearing – with a “Do you know who I work for?” attitude. The only response would be “yes, and I now have your business card and the address of Private Eye”.

Watching these sad old men on video it becomes apparent that they are stuck somewhere around 1979 when it comes to social attitudes, and I am sure that there is worse out there. Gray, Keys and their producer have had a free run for years, with nobody at Sky daring to say no or moderate their behaviour. I seriously doubt their marriages are happy, or that they have any daughters between them.

Such childishness is normally something that we men grow out of – evidently not if you are a Sports obsessed wingnut.

http://newstatesman.com/the-staggers/sky-sports-keys-gray-melvin/

Joke…

Q: ” How many members of U2 does it take to change a lightbulb?”

A: ” One, Bono will hold it up, and the world will revolve around him.”

Arrogant Aussie W*nker Humbled…

Shame its just a Ponting, and not a Murdoch…

Could we please change the name of the England Cricket Team to SOGAT 82? Just for a few days?

Sadly, this is a sport that Pork Balls, Boris and Little Nicky understand, no doubt Gideon, 14th Earl of Whyborn does too. Still, at least Keith Flett and Mark Steel will be happy…

Anyone off down the Walkabout?

Point Proven…

And to substantiate what I wrote vis-a-vis urine in central London, have just returned home after work, wading through a smelly yellow lake. With chunks in it. Happy Christmas revellers.

Oh, the Police didn’t arrest anyone for this. Probably added to it. with Boris.

A proposal for imaginative protests – How to upset Nick and Dave…

The idea is simple. Every bit of junk mail you get, re-address to the Headquarters of the Liberal Democrats or The Conservative Party. Fill in every application form you receive in your papers and magazines with their address details…

Better still, pick your nearest Coalition MP and redirect your spam/junk mail to his/her constituency office.

Amongst the piles of guff will be the one letter they really need…

The Hulture Secretary…is he really such a H*nt?

Much hilarity caused this week by James Naughtie and Andrew Marr using the correct term for a Tory Minister…

Yes, Culture Secretary Jeremy Hunt (sic) had his name and title mixed up in a repeated gaffe on BBC Radio 4. It was worth the licence fee on its own.  It also reminded me of Sir Trevor McDonald (then head of the Better English Society) doing the same thing with “The Kent countryside” a decade or so ago.

Malapropisms and Spoonerisms like these tend to get the Daily Mail reader very cross indeed, but hardly fall into category of real obscenity, although it got me thinking about how we treat this fine old Anglo-Saxon word.

“Cunt” is a word, unchanged in its meaning since at least the Middle Ages, and is to be found in Chaucer ( “quente”). It is virtually the last taboo word in our language, heading the list of officially bad words at the BBC. it is also fittingly rhyming slang for James Blunt, so I guess poor Jeremy will have to be nicknamed Mr C.

The reason for its lasting shock value may have something to do with its low origins, and the fact that at the lower end of the scale I have heard it used almost as punctuation. As a description of the Vagina, it is certainly nasty, but as a description of a woman, it is truly dehumanising. Think about it for a moment – and compared to the male “dick”, it is so much worse – now think about why this is the case.

In The City of London, there used to be a short road named Gropecunt Lane, where centuries ago brothels had flourished. Around ten years ago, some Multinational moved in, and the supine Burghers duly changed the name, something I regret, as the oldest profession, unlike banking, can at least be an honest trade. Perhaps they should have just omitted  “Grope”?

I once went out with a strident feminist who was waging a one-woman campaign to reclaim “cunt”, in the same way gay activists reclaimed “queer”, and some black nationalists tried to reclaim “nigger/nigga”. I have to say that I dont think this really works in these three cases, but  it is certainly better to have the honest words out there rather than Bowdlerise the English Language, thus making discourse into a minefield, negotiable only with a PC map.

So heres to “the C-word” and all good honest obscenity. No apologies to James and Jeremy – both of them are utter Hunts.

Joke…

Q. How many Monetarists does it take to change a lightbulb?

A. None – they’re all waiting for the invisible hand to do it.

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